you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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