his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I had to cum in my sink.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
