mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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