fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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