allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
