Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am never drinking with the goths again.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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