i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
