john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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