and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
