I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
