She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Randomize
