You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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