Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
