My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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