I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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