I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
