i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
