I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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