I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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