I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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