I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
