did you get engaged???
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
