update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
