having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
