i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
