I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
