I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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