So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
People in love make me want to vomit
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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