I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
