I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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