i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
