the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
where does the pee come out of this thing
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?