just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
