Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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