Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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