dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
