sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
