either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
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I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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