3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
