FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
