she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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