I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
