I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
