i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
