Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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