he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
