I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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