I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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