he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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