If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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