I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
