Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
