There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
