Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
