did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
