Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
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It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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